How PMDD Affected Me: Part 2 The Social Impact

Season 03, Episode 03

PMDD is like being in an abusive relationship with yourself ~ Anonymous

When I look back to my PMDD days I will forever view them as a double edge sword for a period of my life.  On the one hand, I had an extremely aggressive form of PMDD and on the other, I was unable to work.  That was my only saving grace with PMDD.  I wasn't able to work due to the location off my husbands duty location. Then after our child was born, it was too expensive for me to go back to work.  I was able to hide my PMDD by self imposed Agoraphobia.  No one could be exposed to uncontrolled "episodes" if I wasn't around them.    I am so grateful I didn't work during this time.  I would have been fired or quit due to not knowing what was going on with me.

(PhotoCredit: Instagram)

Emotional Impacts of PMDD

Last week I went into detail all the physical changes that happened to me monthly.  Here are the emotional effects that were in tandem with the physical changes.  I was increasingly irritable/agitated with uncontrollable anger and rage. You never knew what was going to set me off.  I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING TO SET ME OFF.  Remember my Flight or Fight response was activated and never shut off.  I was in a constant state of fear/panic/anxiety.  This takes a heavy toll on the psyche.  I started having trouble sleeping and it caused me to have insomnia and severe mental/emotional/physical fatigue.  I went from having a memory of an elephant to always being confused and unfocused. With brief periods of relaxed mental awareness, I wasn't understanding why once a month I went completely nuts.  The more I thought about my past behaviors and the consequences of my actions, the more I grew moody/paranoid/depressed with a poor self image.  I legit thought I was going insane.  The math wasn't mathing for me.

You could not imagine how excited I was during COVID-19 when the government shut down the country and encouraged people to stay home.

(PhotoCredit: imgflip)

The Social Impacts of PMDD

The social impacts of PMDD effected me just as severely as the physical aspects. This caused problems between my husband, family, and friends. Because I didn't know about PMDD, so my husband and I had all kinds of excuses as to why I was behaving this way and our relationship came close (several times) to ending.   Thank goodness he is in the Military and we had several boughts of deployments and TDY's to keep us both sane and away from each other to reset.  Man, when they say For Better or For Worse, we sure put that to the test. 

I became nervous to leave the house due to my lack of control over my whole self and didn't want to cause any embarrassment/duress/or animosity with anyone I came in contact with.  I went from being an Extrovert to an Introvert faster than you could say  "docious-ali-expi-istic-fragil-cali-rupus".   I withdrew from everyone I knew, including my best friend/sister and my family.  I even had a friendship of over 20 years end (thankfully I worked my ass off to repair the damage and I got that friendship back) due to passive aggressive exchanges and 100 % miss communication.  I didn't want that to happen with anyone else, so I made sure I faded into the background and was only with my husband and child. 

(PhotoCredit: Reddit/MemRestoration)

Mental Recovery

Can you imagine the guilt I carry over the damage I did to my husband and child?  If you think you can, whatever you come up with, multiply that by 100 and you might come close to how I feel.  I am currently going through therapy to unpack all that guilt and recover my mental and emotional state.  To find the off switch to my Flight or Fight Response to gain back control.  I have spent a year trying to reconnect with those I walked away from.  I have to sit and watch my son's behavior and know I caused certain aspects of his characteristics, and pray to the Goddess I still have time to change them before they are set in stone.  I have to work 10 times harder than I did during PMDD to keep my marriage and correct the instincts I started to implement in my husband.  Just because I had surgery, that ultimately cured my PMDD, doesn't mean my journey is over.

"The best thing to say to someone who has PMDD is something that lets them know you understand they do not choose to be like this and you know it isn't just an excuse." ~ Anonymous 

Tune in next week for Episode 04 on "Now what",  I had my surgery, I no longer have PMDD, Now What".