I am so full of Rage...

Special Announcement

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

I have been debating with myself if I was going to make this post or not. I already have all of Septembers posts lined up and ready to go. I was so pumped and "gun-ho" about this website and all the things I was going to write about. Educating everyone about Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), creating support, sharing stories, bringing awareness about the disorder, how I deal with hard days, and a safe place for those of us with this to vent. With that being said, I have to put a small pause on my "out line of scheduled post" to write this. I am angry. I am so angry that everything is bringing me to the brink of RAGE that my body can hardly hold it in. I am literally shaking with RAGE.

Rage

This is one of my favorate photo's by Anathema Photography. I marked it all up so it can't be reproduced. Photo Credit @AnathemaPhotography

This kind of RAGE is not the same as a temporary mood swing from Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS). This kind of RAGE takes you over. Nothing is ok and no one is safe. The sweet giggle of your child, a kind hug from your significant other, the way they breathe, the sound of them chewing food, send spikes of pain in your skull that the fringes of your vision start to turn red. A singular dirty dish on the counter instead of the sink, your pet trying desperately to cuddle in your lap, your iPad refusing to charge, the speck of food crumb on the coffee table sends you over the edge into blind rage. NO ONE IS SAFE.

Nothing Helps

Lawd forbid that anyone tells you to calm down. Lawd forbid you vent your frustration so the sticky black tar building up in your stomach can go away and stop making you feel bad. Have you ever heard this "you just need to find an adult and emotionally healthy way to express your negative feelings". PfffffT, you can stick that "healthy way to express your feelings" crap where the sun don't shine. People who say that have our best interest at heart but they really don't know what this feels like. They don't understand how debilitating this can be. Your inner conscience just sitting there whispering and yelling all the things wrong with everything you see to the point you are just sitting there simmering like a pot of water waiting to boil over. People who say things like that have no idea how physically ill you feel when you are this full of anger. They don't understand the physical satisfaction of spewing the rage out loud and proud and physically. How the exhaustion washes over you and that black ball of tar is finally gone from your body and you are so tired you sleep and wake up feeling like a cup of sunshine, then face the consequences of your actions.

I have no advice for times like this

I have yet to find a good outlet for this kind of rage. If I vent my rage it damages the relationships in my life. Believe me, I have had my moments of blind rage with my significant other and they are devastating to the both of us. Today I am choosing to be quiet, which is just as scary and devastating to all near. I have been all alone with my little boy all day and even though I am filled with so much RAGE, I can't do anything about it. As a matter of fact, I haven't done anything all day. Any energy I used today has been to not let my little boy know how I am feeling. So I sit, and seethe, and just get angrier and angrier. Meditation doesn't work, yoga doesn't work, exercise doesn't work, NOTHING WORKS. Even those all the techniques I just listed might help those manage stress and teach you how to clear your mind but I/We have no control over this. Those things do not help us in moments like this. This isn't by choice, we have no control when this happens to us. This isn't like drinking too much and slip into blind drunkenness and have no idea what our actions are doing. That is a choice. This is something that happens inside us and we can't control it. And knowing this just makes me even madder. I CAN'T CONTROL WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Stay tuned for next week when we resume our regular scheduled programing: Season 01, Episode 02 ~ What is PMDD?